Supporting Health Goals That Aren’t Yours
BLACK IRON RADIO EP. 378: Supporting Health Goals That Aren’t Yours
Watching someone you love struggle with a habit that's hurting them is genuinely hard. The instinct is to fix it, but that's almost never what helps.
Amanda, Joyce, and Jess Gordon get into the psychology of supporting someone else's health goals, especially when that person isn't ready yet. They talk about why "have you heard the good word about protein" tends to backfire, why the people closest to you hear your concern as "I want you to be different," and the difference between someone who's asked for help and someone you're trying to change before they're ready.
Plus why information is almost never the missing piece, why people don't drop a habit until they're getting nothing out of it anymore, the stages of change worth understanding, and the one question to ask yourself before you say anything: am truly I helping them, or just trying to relieve my own discomfort?
Your spouse has high blood pressure and it scares you. Your mom hasn't done a single intentional workout in 65 years, but you know strength training would change her life. Your sibling brings up their bad bloodwork every Christmas and then reaches for another drink. You see all of it clearly, and the instinct is to fix it. But human behavior just doesn't work that way, and going in with a fix-it mindset is usually what backfires.
In this episode of Black Iron Radio, Amanda, Joyce, and Jess G get into what actually moves someone toward change, and why the people closest to us are often the hardest to help.
Your Concern Sounds Like Judgment To Them, Even When It Isn't
Health and how we treat our bodies is deeply personal, so even a well-meaning "I wish you'd change this" can land as "you think I'm broken." Coaches feel this too. Jess doesn't coach her own mom, she sent her to someone else, because the closer the relationship, the more emotionally loaded the conversation gets. Advice from a coach feels neutral because a coach doesn't have years of history with you. Advice from a spouse, parent, or sibling comes loaded with all of it.
That doesn't mean you stay quiet. It means you go in understanding that a completely reasonable comment about their health can still get heard as "you think I'm lazy" or "you think I'm irresponsible," even when that's nowhere near what you meant.
Check Whether They Actually Asked For Your Help
There's a real difference between someone asking for support and you deciding it's time to help them whether they asked or not. Someone who hires a coach, or turns to you and says "can you help me figure this out," has already crossed a major psychological hurdle: they've admitted something isn't working. As one saying puts it, nobody changes until they get tired of their own BS. Until they get there, more information, more guilt, or more fear tactics won't move them, it'll just make them dig in harder.
Before you step into helper mode, ask yourself two questions: are they asking for solutions, or are they asking to feel heard? And are you offering support because it would actually help them, or because their behavior is making you uncomfortable and stepping in would bring you relief? Sometimes the most loving move is simply letting them know help is available and then backing off.
They Already Know. Information Isn't the Barrier.
Most people, on some level, already know vegetables are good for you and smoking isn't. Knowledge is rarely what's missing. Think about someone who texts and drives, or skips a seatbelt. They know it's dangerous. It's even illegal. They do it anyway, because knowing something and being ready to change your behavior around it are two completely different things.
Health habits work the same way. A habit that looks self-destructive from the outside is often serving a real function on the inside, filling an emotional need, managing stress, or doing something that once genuinely helped and just never got updated. People don't do things unless they're getting something out of them. That's not a character flaw, it's just how humans operate, and it's worth remembering before you assume someone simply doesn't get it.
Everyone Moves Through the Same Five Stages
Psychology calls this the transtheoretical model, and understanding where someone actually is changes what kind of support will land.
Precontemplation: they don't think there's a problem yet. This sounds like "I don't drink that much" or "everyone in my family is overweight, it's genetic." Pushing here almost always backfires, it just makes someone dig in and defend the status quo harder. The move is to back off, not pile on more information, guilt, or fear.
Contemplation: the ambivalence stage. They're starting to think something should change but don't know what or how, and it feels overwhelming because you're asking someone to unwind years of identity, not just a habit. Support here looks like presence, not solutions: "I'm here for you," reinforcing that you believe in them, without rushing to suggest action.
Preparation: they start picturing themselves actually doing the thing, buying the walking shoes, looking up gym memberships, asking you questions about a program. This stage needs room. Offer help in specific, optional terms, "would it help if I walked with you one night this week," and respect whatever they say without taking over the wheel.
Action: the visible part, they're at the gym, changing what they eat, showing up to appointments. Expect imperfection and praise effort over outcomes. Notice the small stuff out loud, "you got protein into dinner even though today was chaotic," instead of only celebrating results like a number on the scale.
Maintenance: the least glamorous and most important stage. The new walking shoes are old news, nobody's cheering when they show up to the 5am class anymore, and that's exactly the point, because the goal was never the 20 pounds, it was becoming the person who lives that lifestyle. This is where you can help the most, by staying steady and encouraging through the hard weeks so a bad stretch doesn't turn into a full stop.
Pushing Harder Makes People Dig In
There's a name for this: psychological reactance, the internal pushback we feel when someone threatens our freedom or tries to control us. It's why someone can be halfway to a better choice, hear "you have to do this," and immediately lose interest. We value autonomy, and the second a comment feels like control instead of concern, people shirk against it, even while intellectually knowing you might be right.
The fix isn't staying silent, it's changing the framing. "Have you been thinking about doing anything differently with your movement?" lands completely differently than "you need to start exercising," even though it's the same underlying concern. You're still allowed to say "I love you and I'm worried about you," especially when their choices affect you or your family. Just come at it from concern, not control, so they keep their sense of autonomy intact.
What Actually Works
Lead by example without narrating it. People imitate what they see far more than what they hear. You don't need to announce the nutrient profile of your Thanksgiving plate, just eat it. If every healthy choice comes with a speech, it starts to feel performative, and performative doesn't inspire anyone.
Ask before you advise. A simple "would you like my thoughts on this?" hands the ball back to them. If they say no, you're done, no further explanation needed. That one sentence restores their autonomy and defuses defensiveness fast.
Listen more than you talk. Before you can actually help, you need to know what they need, not what you assume they need. Questions like "when was a time you felt better, and what was happening then?" or "what feels like a good next step?" do more work than any speech you could give.
Celebrate small wins without making it a production. One walk, one home-cooked dinner instead of takeout, one fewer drinking night. These tiny moments are what stack into an identity shift, but shout them out simply. Overblowing it makes it feel like a performance for you instead of progress for them.
Meet Them Where They Actually Are
Nutrition: if they order the burger and you order the salad, that's not your business. Watch your language around food, comments like "if I ate that I wouldn't eat the rest of the day" send a message about their choices whether you mean to or not.
Alcohol: instead of a lecture, get curious about the function it's serving. What role does it actually play for them, when does it feel like a value-add, when does it stop feeling worth it. Frame any change as an experiment and a chance to collect data on how they feel, not a permanent verdict on who they are.
Exercise: if your sedentary mom hasn't done intentional movement in 65 years, she doesn't need your strength program on day one. Find a gateway, a walk together, a dance class, pickleball, something social and low-pressure. Consistency in literally anything beats optimizing nothing, and pairing movement with connection is a genuine double win for an older parent's health.
The Takeaway
You cannot force someone to change, but you can build the conditions that make change feel safer and more possible. People rarely change because they lost an argument or got shamed into it, they change because something shifts inside them, and your job is to support that shift, not manufacture it. If someone leaves every interaction with you feeling judged, they'll avoid both you and your advice. If they leave feeling understood, respected, and capable, they'll come looking for your help when they're actually ready. Sometimes the biggest influence you have isn't the advice you give at all, it's the example you consistently live without judgment attached.
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If you enjoyed this conversation, check out more episodes of Black Iron Radio, where we cut through the noise and give you real, no-BS advice on feeling, performing, and looking your best. Each week we share practical nutrition, training, and wellness strategies and tips to help you succeed.
